The
Cheater's
Handbook
The Naughty Student's Bible
Bob Corbett
"It is as impossible for a man to be cheated by anyone
but himself, as for a thing to be, and not to be, at the
same time." —RALPH WALDO EMERSON
Illustrated by Glen Fairchild
Figures 7-11, 7-12, 7-13, and 7-14 by Bob Corbett
ISBN 0-06-098812-6
98 99 00 01 02 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
"So this Jefferson dude was like, 'Look, the reason we
left this England place is 'cause it was so bogus, so if
we don't get some primo rules ourselves—pronto—
then we're just gonna be bogus, too."
—JEFF SPICCOLI
Fast Times at Ridgemont High I would actually like to dedicate this book to a teacher.
During the llth grade "writing semester" at Hopkins,
Mr. Bucar did such a wonderfully engaging job that he
destroyed any shred of desire I may have ever had to
cheat in English thereafter (though I was pretty damn
tempted with that silly Canterbury Tales memoriza-
tion for What's-Her-Face). As a result, I pursue the
glory of the written word with all my vigor. If all teach-
ers brought such passionate energy to their class-
rooms, perhaps this book would become obsolete.
But, until then.
CONTENTS
Introduction ix
Chapter 1: Getting the Right Juice 1
Chapter 2: Making the Sheets of Life 9
Chapter 3: State Dependence Theory 21
Chapter 4: The Dreaded Monster: Test Day 24
Chapter 5: The Cheater's Uniform 41
Chapter 6: Where to Sit 48
Chapter 7: Prestidigitation 55
Chapter 8: BUSTED!!!: The Code of
Damntheygotme 78
Chapter 9: Papers Papers Papers 88
Chapter 10: Skipping the Reading Process 108
Chapter 11: Miscellaneous Ass-ignments 117
Chapter 12: Legends of the Mall 125
Chapter 13: So Close! But No Cigar: They Had
Greatness Within Their Grasp 130
Chapter 14: Farewell, Good Luck,
and Don't Be Stupid 139
Index 143
About the Author . . 146
Vll INTRODUCTION
There are probably two types of people who are
going to read this book: students and teachers.
On one hand, you have the lackluster scholastic
endeavorer who knows his stuff. No, not his academic
stuff—his own stuff. He knows that his ass'll be too
lazy to get around to an assignment every now and
then and that when that life-threatening moment
arrives, he'll have The Cheater's Handbook in hand to
make sure he's doing his corner-cutting right, to make
sure that he is indeed taking the shortest path from
Point F to Point A. (The expected societal analysis
about why he feels the need to accomplish this can be
found in the final chapter.) Yes, The Cheater's Hand-
book will be the one book in his life that he ever does
study.
On the other hand, you have the teacher who
somehow discovered this manual and thought he'd
IX x | Introduction
get one up on all those miserable little cretins who
turn his life into a winless Tom & Jerry-esque combat
day in and day out. To that breed of academic, let us
first say: You're doing something terribly wrong. Very
rarely does a great teacher have a room full of
cheaters. A truly great teacher can take even a com-
pulsive cheater—one who thrives on it not out of
necessity but for sport—and transform him for that
one semester into an eager beaver who shows up
early, enjoys doing the homework, and comes to ask
questions on his own tune. How? By making it inter-
esting! When are all you teachers out there going to
realize how boring you make every thing you talk
about? Do you think that paraphrasing the previous
night's reading assignment is a creative way to teach?
No, of course you don't. But that's all most of you
do. So either you really are incapable of creativity
(which no one is) or, even worse, you really are your
worst fear: too lazy to cut it in the real world. Some-
one who shuns the traditional workforce in favor of
merely paraphrasing the textbook they are assigned
to teach is indeed hiding from the real world, clearly
dwelling in the same echelon as the proverbial "bump
on a log." However, an individual who shuns the tradi-
tional workforce and proactively shapes the minds of
tomorrow's adults by bringing knowledge alive to
them is cutting it in the real world. Yes, they may have
short hours and summer vacations, but they are mak-
ing a massive positive impact on society.
Introduction | xi
With that said, we posit to all of you teachers read-
ing this: Which category are you going to allow your-
self to stand in? The avoider of the real world or the
impacter on the real world? It really is up to you. But
if you have chosen the latter, be forewarned that if
you have recurrent cheating problems in your classes,
you are failing. For no great teacher—those teachers
who can make ancient wars and chemical processes
and anything else come alive—need refer to this
book. Moreover, any teacher who does consult this
book for anything other than innocent entertainment
leads a failed life. Catching students cheating is not
the solution. Negating their desire to cheat is the
solution. It's the same as with anything else. For
instance, putting more police on the streets is not the
solution to rampant crime; that only leads to a police
state. Rebuilding the family is the solution (or at least
half of it). Alright, you get the point. Now go figure out
how to do it. Go watch some inspirational movies, go
read some sappy book, or Christ—drink twice as
much caffeine before class!
Now, introduction-wise, let us cover some points of
interest before we whirlwind you into the world of
cheating. Since we're probably not dealing with the
finest attention spans on Earth here, we might as well
start bulleting this introduction up into convenient lit-
tle fragments like we do with the rest of the book.
Here are the points of interest:
xii | Introduction Introduction '\ xiii
Disclaimer: As we will reiterate several times
through this little tome, WE ARE NOT BY ANY
MEANS AGAINST LEARNING ITSELF. NO.
WE JUST KNOW THAT A LOT OF TIMES IT
SIMPLY FAILS TO HAPPEN FOR ONE REA-
SON OR ANOTHER AND THAT YOU DON'T
WANT TO SUFFER THE POOR GRADES THAT
YOU ULTIMATELY DESERVE.
Qualification to Write This Book: The author
has been an avid scholastic cheater since the
fifth grade, when he quit the Gifted & Talented
program in favor of being a slapdick. Over the
next ten years he would thrive on cheating like
a sport, nay, a passion—the excitement and
free time it gave him was exhilarating, and that
exhilaration was addictive. Now, though, unfor-
tunately, he has to resort to writing books like
this to make money. In other words, he doesn't
recommend following his path. Study!
Vernacular: Two words we will be using a lot
are "neighbor" and "they." "Neighbor" we use just
because it's a funny reminder of being in class
("eyes off your neighbor's paper!"). We would
never use it, of course, except to poke fun at it.
The word "they," however, will repeatedly be
used incorrectly. Yes, we know that when the
pronoun is ambiguous, one should use the
phrase "he or she," as in "when he or she cor-
rects your test." Sorry, though, that's just too
cumbersome for us. People generally don't say
that crap in day-to-day speech either. They say
"they." So don't waste your tune writing us
about trivial grammatical discrepancies. A move-
ment for the acceptance of "They" as a singular
pronoun is now underway, people, so stand back!
We, or I, will also be wavering between using
"we" or "I", so just deal with it. There is a
method to the madness, but don't try to figure it
out.
Imminent Sequel: Yes, already in the works is
the sequel: The Cheater's Handbook's Extra
Credit: Ideas From Our Readers. We know that
we cannot have possibly gathered together
every great cheating tactic in this compendium,
so send on in your ideas and cheating stories.
Your name (or pseudonym of your choice) will
get full credit right under the idea or story!
One More Thing: To all you tattle-tales: Before
you go off and tell on someone for cheating,
consider this: You are not a role-model student.
The only reason someone tells on someone
else for cheating is because that person doesn't
like the fact that the cheater is getting as many
points as they are for all their hard work.
Therefore, you are just as coldly ensconced in
this never-ending rat race for numbers (see
xiv | Introduction
Chapter 14) as the cheater is. A true student
would be completely satisfied in the knowledge
that the cheaters will invariably suffer later in
life as a result of all the knowledge they never
learned. A true student is concerned with
knowledge, not points. Getting the
Right Juice
We don't want to shatter any high hopes you may
have had about ten minutes and twelve bucks ago, but
this handbook is not some kind of magic scroll that will
enable you to do absolutely nothing and then walk out
of the classroom with straight A's. No. Proper cheating
is hard work. Of course, it's not one one-hundredth as
hard as actually learning all that stuff the teacher's
always talking about that you probably figure you'll
just forget anyway (. so why listen?) but cheating still
demands a good amount of time and preparation. Even
the greatest of us cheaters have been known to kick
ourselves in the wee hours before a test because we can
no longer ignore the grim reality that we have nothing
to even so much as scrawl down on our off-hand palm.
1
2 | Bob Corbett
So blow the dust off your syllabus and actually look
at it, and begin scheming at least a day before the
dreaded test. In the next chapter, we move into cheat-
sheets. And if you don't have anything besides the text-
book from which to make a good one, you'll be sorrier
than an impotent man on a free trip to Mustang Ranch.
There are two things which, when combined properly,
can make cracking that heavy textbook or even bring-
ing it home unnecessary. There's also a third thing
that's even better, but next to impossible to come by.
NOTES (AND HANDOUTS)
Alright, chances are that if you bought this book, tak-
ing notes is about as much a part of your daily life as
waking up an extra hour early for that morning jog—it
just doesn't really happen, though you wish it would.
But that's nothing to be ashamed of. Taking notes is a
pain in the butt, and if a roomful of people are all writ-
ing down the same thing, why should you waste your
valuable, limited attention span on writing all that stuff
down too? Surely someone who has taken good notes
and kept track of the key handouts will be kind
enough to let you "check them out." And whether or
not they know that this means you'll run off to furi-
ously photocopy their semester's blood, sweat, and
tears depends on your relationship with them and/or
how cool they are. Here are the four basic breeds of
"friends" from whom you can "borrow" notes:
The Cheater's Handbook 1 3
The Admirer
Score. You're set. Look no further. If there's a good
note-taker in your class who just happens to have a
crush on you, "like" you, or even just make the occa-
sional "googly eyes" toward you, exploit them for every
note and handout they're worth. This may sound a little
harsh, but hey, that's how life works. Have you ever
seen a drop-dead gorgeous woman driving around in a
really crappy pile-of-junk car? No, and if they didn't
earn whatever they do have through their own merit,
you can bet your booty that some putz somewhere got
taken advantage of, whether he admits it or not and
even cares or not. It's the same principle here, only on
a smaller scale. Walk up to your prey, flash that winning
smile, and sweet-talk their notes out of them. Don't be
too obvious about it, though. Try to talk to them a bit a
few days before the test. Wait a second: If any of this—
the oldest schmooz principle on Earth—actually needs
explaining to you at this point in your life, then it prob-
ably isn't even an option for you in the first place. Then
again, there's a first time for everything.
The BuddyIf your would-be co-conspirator is a good friend of
yours, then you should likewise have no problem get-
ting the notes. But perhaps you should ask yourself
first, "Wait, how good could the notes be if this per-
son's a friend of mine?" Something is better than
nothing, of course, but don't settle for four pages of
4 | Bob Corbett
doodling just because it—unlike your doodling—has
three poorly defined terms mired in it somewhere.
"That Guy," or, "That Chick"
If your mark isn't a good friend of yours, be tactical.
Ask nicely first, lying if necessary. (Say that all your
notes got soaking wet or something.) If asking nicely
doesn't work, offer to do some kind of favor in return,
preferably one that involves aiding them on future tests.
("I swear I can get the final, dude. I swear."). If promis-
ing favors doesn't do the trick, you're obviously dealing
with some kind of prick here. But if you've already gone
this far, then they're clearly your only hope for quality
notes, so offer a little cash or something. Remember,
teachers always pull out stuff from the notes on tests, if
for no other reason than to justify their existence (i.e.,
to remind themselves that you couldn't just as easily
have read the textbook and learned the entire course
on your own). Getting the notes and handouts is
essential, no matter what lengths you must go to. How
else will you know what to put on your Cheatsheet?
The Local Merlin
Many colleges have a nearby academic guru who
knows basically everything or can skim through the
material and break it down into a sheet of layman's
terms for you in a matter of minutes. If the stuff is too
thick for you to even know where to begin, chip in
with a couple of classmates for an hour with such a
The Cheater's Handbook J 5
guru. An hour with one of these brainiacs usually runs
about seventy bucks or so.
(TIP: Actually, the best thing to do is lay low, let
other people dish out their cash to this educational
extortionist, and then later on play dumb and ask to
photocopy "Uh, whatever you guys have. Yeah, this
looks cool," not letting on that you know they just
spent their weekend's partying money on it.)
OLD TESTS
Tests from previous years are a must, especially in
college. And the best part? Studying them is legal!
Even if a teacher changes their test every semester,
old tests still show you what kind of things they look
for, what kind of questions they ask; e.g., if an old psy-
chology question goes "Which of the following sub-
stances is the most addictive," then you can expect
the new one to maybe go "Which of the following sub-
stances is least addictive?" Figuring out what topics
the teacher likes makes it a lot easier to pick the right
things from your notes to put on your Cheatsheet.
Of course, if you can get a series of past tests and
find certain questions that show up throughout them,
you can expect those questions on your test and then
simply memorize the answer. (Or, if you must, put the
answer on your Cheatsheet—but come on now, people.)
If the teacher is actually so much of a lazy drunk
that they do in fact use the same exact questions every
6 I Bob Corbett
year, then obviously you're set. But be careful about
just simply memorizing multiple-choice answers in
your head by rote, like "A-B-A-C-A-B ." As drunk and
lazy as the teacher may be, they might at least change
the order of the questions. It's wiser to either learn (or
write on your Cheatsheet) two key words for each
problem—one from the question and one from the
correct answer.
Where To Get Them
Old tests are a lot easier to get your paws on when
you're in college than they were in high school. Most
fraternity and sorority houses have some kind of
"scholar's office" or some other fancily named file
cabinet full of old tests. Don't go straight to the
dorkier houses, though. Think about it. It's probably
the less academically oriented houses that keep the
best files.
The best way to get old tests, though, takes a little
foresight. If you know what classes you'll be taking
next semester, ask someone who's taking the course
now to save all of their stuff for you. This is easier
than getting the notes of someone you're taking a
class with now, because:
A. They won't need those notes anymore.
B. They can't bitch that you never go to class and
are taking advantage of them.
The Cheater's Handbook | 7
This, unfortunately, is also pretty much the only
way to get old tests in high school, since test files usu-
ally aren't available.
THE TEST
Ah, the coup de tests. The ultimate score. The test. Yes,
and unless you've got a serious inside source, don't
expect to see too many of these—if any—in your life-
time. And unless that one diamond in the rough virtu-
ally falls into your lap, don't waste your time and
jeopardize your future by actively hunting for a copy
of the actual test your class is going to be taking. Most
teachers don't even create the test until the night
before; those who do make them earlier than that
rarely leave a copy lying around anywhere that you
could possibly get your hands on it. That is, where you
could get it, photocopy it, and return it unnoticed.
Right. The odds are overwhelmingly against you, and
the possible lifetime consequences far outweigh the
specter of getting one fleeting A.
Your best hope is to befriend or seduce the teacher's
assistant. But, judging by the way a lot of those charac-
ters look, it's probably not even worth that.
Another dim hope is that there will be botched
copies left in the trash bin next to the faculty photo-
copy machine, but there's always a teacher or two
somewhere in the vicinity sucking down coffee. And
their interest is certainly going to piqued by seeing a
8 Bob Corbett
slapdick like you nosing around their little cigarette
sanctuary.
Basically, an original test has to fall into your lap.
Things like that usually only happen when you least
expect it—so just don't think about it, and you might
have a chance. See Chapter 12, "Legends of the Mall,"
for a good story about getting the test.
Score!
If by some miracle you do in fact score an actual copy
of the upcoming test, don't tell anyone. Your phone will
be ringing off the hook and your door'll be broken
down. If you just can't help sharing a good thing, at least
rip off a page or change some questions or something.
You can not have five to ten people getting an A+ or 100
on the same test that you are going to get your first A+
or 100 on. Not only does it imbalance the curve, but it
looks bad; the teacher will know something's up.
On the other side of the glass, if you get the test
from a friend who got it from a friend who got it from
a friend, and so on, keep in mind that the original
source may have known the principle in the paragraph
above and altered the test so that moochers like you
wouldn't get a hundred too. In other words, don't think
that just because you got a copy of the test that you're
set. Check it out. Verify the answers. And for God's
sake, memorize it. This is no time to double your
chances of getting caught by using a Cheatsheet.
Making the
Sheets of Life
Cheatsheets (also known as "crib notes"—but that's
just a little too 1950s, Leave It To Beaver for our
taste) are the lifeblood of any underprepared test-
taker and can take on many different forms, be it an
overstressed law student's micro-copied U.S. Consti-
tution or just right-of-way arrows drawn on the wrist
of some zit-faced kid taking the driving exam.
Whether on your skin, on a scrap of paper, in your cal-
culator, or on a typed-and-miniaturized "masterpiece"
from Kinko's, you absolutely must bring some kind of
Cheatsheet to any test.
This is not even to say you must use a Cheatsheet,
but that you must at the very least bring one for insur-
ance, for that much needed sense of security. Think
10 Bob Corbett
about jumping out of an airplane. No matter how
sure you felt that the first parachute was well-pre-
pared and ready to work, would you even think of
taking the plunge without the backup chute packed?
Of course not. You should have the same mentality
with cheating. No matter how well you think you
know the material, no matter how many hours on
end you study, always, always, always bring some-
thing written down that you can refer to in a moment
of panic, when your mind goes blank. The main rea-
son we stress this so much is that just having some-
thing up your sleeve (pun intended) often greatly
decreases your chances of actually panicking and
needing it.
Back to the corny parachute analogy: Don't you
think you'd have an easier time opening the first chute
smoothly and successfully if your life didn't absolutely
depend on your doing so? Okay, okay, you get it.
Anyway, another reason you should always make a
Cheatsheet is that quite often something miraculous
can happen when doing so: You actually learn the
material! There's nothing sweeter than that surprising
feeling during a test of "Hey, wait a minute, I actually
know this stuff—screw cheating!"
Remember, this handbook is strictly cheating-
oriented and does not purport to teach any learning
efficiency methods. There are many instructors out
there who are far more qualified to teach such meth-
ods, and many (boring) books written by these experts.
The Cheater's Handbook 1 11
But as any one of those books will likely tell you, one
way to learn information is to simply copy it down on a
sheet of paper. (Of course, they probably don't have a
2" x 2" scrap in mind). So go ahead and always make a
Cheatsheet, if for no other reason than you might actu-
ally learn something, which would be best of all.
Remember, we are not by any means against learning
itself. No. We just know that, for one reason or another,
a lot of times it simply just does not happen, and you
don't want to get the bad grades you ultimately deserve.
Who would? It's like, if you hadn't exercised all year,
but suddenly the day before you hit the beach for
spring break there was a way to get an incredible body
overnight that didn't really harm you, would you pass
it up? No way! (Of course, if one took this analogy all
the way, you would bring the hottest babe there back
to your pad but then ultimately be unable to perform, if
you know what we mean.)
Here are various shapes and forms Cheatsheets can
take, and the pro's and cons of each:
THE CLASSIC
The chances that any of you reading this have never
used the ol' Classic Cheatsheet shown in Figure 2-1
are probably about the same as the chances that you
have never used the answers in the back of your math
book to breeze through a homework assignment.
Everyone uses them. Figure 2-1
12 Bob Corbett
You knowww. About an hour
before test time, you just rip off
the top left square of a piece of
notebook paper, sharpen your
pencil to maximum pointiness,
and start squeezing volumes of
information onto both sides of
this 2" x 2" phenomenon, won-
dering if The Guinness Book of
Records has a category for the
world's smallest legible writing.
The Classic is a very strong model. It's easy to
make and, if spotted by the teacher, easy to eat (like
it's a stick of chewing gum, of course). Whether you
want lead or ink going into your digestive system is up
to you, but it's usually better to make Cheatsheets with
pencil because you can erase and fix them, and lead
writing doesn't bleed through to the other side like ink
can. Ink can also smudge under the sweat from your
palm. Other than that, the only real problem you can
run into with one of these babies is that the small writ-
ing you were so proud of when you made it might be
really hard to decipher under test conditions. It takes a
few runs with the Classic before you get your own per-
sonal "Amount of Info divided by Space times Legibil-
ity" formula right. Just remember: Never make the
Cheatsheet bigger than a Wrigley's gum wrapper, unless
the teacher is just completely oblivious, in that case,
use a full sheet of paper. Go to town!
The Cheater's Handbook ( 13
Whatever the size, abbreviate, abbreviate, abbrevi-
ate! Don't consume space writing out entire defi-
nitions. Just write the key words next to the term,
which should be abbreviated itself. Remember,
spelling rarely—if ever—counts on tests other than
spelling tests.
DOUBLE CLASSIC DELUXE
Once you've mastered the
Classic and if your class-
room situation allows you
enough mobility (i.e., if the
teacher can't see), you may
want to try out the Double
Classic Deluxe (Figure 2-2).
This two all-beef patty spe-
cial sauce lettuce cheese
bad boy is simply a "4 x 2"
Classic folded in half, pack-
ing twice the dates, formu-
las, whatever. You've got to
use pencil, though, or else
the side folded inward will
smudge against itself.
Of course, you could make
even more multi-sided cheat-
sheets, but all the folding and
unfolding involved in using Figure 2-2 14 Bob Corbett
those makes noise and is just asking for trouble. Don't
get any more fancy than the Double Classic Deluxe. If
anything, it's better to just get bigger than more compli-
cated, like a straight 4" x 4" Classic.
SHEATH SHEET
Try saying that five times in a
row really fast and you'll sound
like an immigrant taxicab driver
skidding into an accident. The
Sheath Sheet is just a big one-
sided Classic that fits perfectly
into the sliding protective sheath
of your calculator (Figure 2-3).
If you don't have a calculator like
this, get one. This is one of the
best Cheatsheet methods there is;
obviously, though, it can only be
used in classes that involve cal-
culators, such as math and sci-
ence classes. Make sure to tape
the sheet down to the sheath so
that it is not damaged when slid-
ing the calculator strategically up
and down. Put the information you need most at the
bottom, so that you'll have to slide the sheath open as
little as possible to see the goods.
The Cheater's Handbook f 15
CYBERPUNK
Okay, maybe technically that term has
nothing to do with this tactic, but it's
just such a stupid, silly word we're
going to use it anyway. All we're
talking about here is some-
thing any of you with the
right equipment has
surely stumbled upon
already. Any of you
with one of those daddy
calculator/life organizer thingies
can simply program all the infor-
mation in the world in there and leave it under some
hidden codename or something (Figure 2-4). The
teacher thinks you're just using the calculator part, but
of course you're busy scrolling through sixty-seven dif-
ferent formulas and scientific laws, you dirty, low-down,
no-good cyberpunk.
THE SO-CALLED
"MASTERPIECE"
The typed, shrunken down, profes-
sional-looking "Masterpiece" (Fig-
ure 2-5) is, of course, the ultimate
Cheatsheet for those of you who
Figure 2-4
Figure 2-5 16 Bob Corbett The Cheater's Handbook 17
have the time and skill. Most of you don't, though,
which is the reason we have surrounded this one
with quotation marks and don't really take it all that
seriously. These must be made the night before, and
for most tests, anyone who puts that much foresight
into a Cheatsheet is a fool. Cheatsheets shouldn't be
made until an hour before the test at the earliest.
This makes for the most efficient Cheatsheets, since
then you can just put down the remaining informa-
tion that you have not yet learned by then. Mak-
ing the sheet a whole twenty-four hours in advance
on your home computer, you're liable to waste
valuable space with an easy piece of info that you'll
find you will have completely learned by the next
morning.
Also, such premeditation means doom if the
teacher snags one of these. It shows them that you
didn't even attempt to study the night before, but
rather spent an hour and half figuring out how to use
your computer as something other than the $2,000
video-game player and Intemet-porn surfer that it
usually is. On that same note, do not ever laminate
one of these, unless you want to run the risk of hav-
ing that big chunk of plastic gyrating around your
digestive system longer than that beef jerky that's
been in there since third grade. Keep in mind the
Golden Rule of Getting Caught with a Cheatsheet, as
discussed in Chapter 8, "BUSTED!!!": YOU MUST
ALWAYS EAT THE EVIDENCE.
The only time you should really micro-type a cheat-
sheet like this is when there's tons of impossible-to-
remember formulas or dates or something, and you
just cannot possibly handwrite them all legibly. Other
than that, you're better off spending your time the
night before scrambling around getting old tests and
notes and maybe even studying them to boot. (Wishful
thinking never hurts.)
BAG 0' TRICKS
Here's an easy but not so great one: You can just write
some key stuff on your bookbag (providing it's light-
colored). What's not so great about this one is that
you can pretty much only do it
once; furthermore, it ruins your
bag, and it's a pain in the rear
to get anything legible on there
in the first place.
On the bag, however, you
can rest your notebook, the
manila back of which can be
filled out from top to bottom
with informational goodies.
Having it on top of the
bag like this, it's much
closer to your eyes than
if it were just lying on the
floor (Figure 2-6). Figure 2-6
18 Bob Corbett The Cheater's Handbook | 19
EPIDERMASHEET
Finally, while writing on your skin doesn't really seem
like a making "Cheatsheet," per se, it is essentially the
same thing. (Also, we couldn't really think of any-
where else better in this book to mention this tech-
nique.) The principle is pretty simple, and doesn't
need much explanation. You just write a couple of key
things somewhere on your skin if you don't want to
fool around with the dangers of pulling out a real
Cheatsheet in class. But there are some things to bear
in mind:
1. Pencil doesn't work. Felt tip pens are best. Ball
points work pretty well too.
2. Never write on the back of your hand. It's just
stupid, for obvious reasons. (For the really
dense ones out there, it's because people can
see it, namely the teacher.)
3. Your off-hand palm is a
very good place to write
stuff (Figure 2-7). Sweaty
palms are your only
enemy.
4. The inside of your wrist
is an excellent spot. It's
Figure 2-7 smooth, less hairy (hope-
fully), and shielded from the teacher's eyes not
only by the other side of your arm, of course,
but by the long sleeves of your shirt, as dis-
cussed in Chapter 5.
5. Your legs (if not too hairy) can also be good
spot, as discussed in Chapter 5 as well.
6. If a teacher or tattle-tale seems threatening, all
you have to do to get rid of skin writing is apply
a little saliva, rub away, and, to quote the old
Didi-Seven infomercial, "Watch it magically dis-
appear!"
OOPS! WE ALMOST FORGOT . . .
Those rare open-notes/open-book tests. The mentality
for these types of tests should be pretty easy to figure
out by this point: Exploit them for everything they're
worth.
If it's only an open notes test, bring everything
you can get your hands on, including old tests.
Remember, they're legal. And if necessary, bring
in CliffNotes as well, bright yellow covers ripped
off though, of course, as discussed in Chapter 10.
If it's only an open book test, fill out a couple of
sheets of paper with all the stuff from the notes,
20 Bob Corbett
shrink them down on the photocopy machine,
and then tape them inside the book on pages
that don't pertain to the test material (Figure 2-
8). Coverless CliffNotes can also be smuggled in
through the middle of a large enough book.
Figure 2-8
State
Dependence Theory
In the last chapter, we reminded you that this is a book
of cheating tactics and not learning efficiency meth-
ods. Like any good politician, though, we're going to
have to go right back on our word, because this, the
very next chapter, has absolutely nothing to do with
cheating. In fact, you could even say it deals exclu-
sively with a learning efficiency method. So why are
we including it? Because we're going to discuss some
dimensions of this method that you could never find
in one of those hunky-dory How to Get Straight A's
(and a Date for the Prom, too!) books that your mom
has been stuffing in your stocking for the last three
years, much to your chagrin.
21 22 Bob Corbett
The State Dependence Theory is a pretty straight-
forward idea from psychology, so we'll keep our discus-
sion of it short and concise. (Having, of course, already
spent an entire paragraph above rambling on about
pretty much nothing.) The State Dependence Theory
postulates that the mind associates certain cognitive
processes with certain conditions arid environments.
What? Basically this just means that if you learn some-
thing in a certain place or state of mind, your chances of
recalling that information later are better if you can
return to that certain place and/or state of mind.
In other words, if your brain is used to dealing with
mathematics at ten o'clock in the morning every day
while you sit in the third seat from the left in the back
row of Room 101, then you better damn well sit in the
third seat from the left in the back row of that ten
o'clock class when you're taking the test! (Of course,
there are other, more important seating considera-
tions, as discussed in Chapter 6, but still keep all this
in mind.) In fact, there are even State Dependence
fanatics who go so far as to say that not only should
you sit in the same seat every day, but you should also
use the same pencil and even wear the same outfit
every day so that your mind is completely used to that
exact environment when dealing with the given sub-
ject. Following these suggestions would actually
make you the ideal cheater, because then you could
wear your Cheating Uniform (see Chapter 5) every
day and the teacher wouldn't be suspicious on test
The Cheater's Handbook 23
day. (Of course, the entire student body would be sus-
picious about you in general, and your social life
would probably take a nosedive, so. )
Alright, let's get to the part they can't talk about in
books like Wow, Mom! I Never Knew Learning Could
Be So Much FUN! or Jimmy's Not Really the Milk-
man's Kid: How Your Screw-up Kid Can Learn More
Effectively. Yes, the state of mind thing. We obviously
can't advocate the use of substances, but if you can
get your hands on some Ritalin. . . No. Just kidding.
Seriously, though, the State Dependence deal works
the same for the environment around your brain as
the environment in your brain. In other words, if you
drink a cup of coffee every day before your biology
class, then your brain is used to being under the influ-
ence of caffeine when learning biology. Therefore,
make sure you drink coffee on test day as well. (Duh!)
And believe it or not, those of you who study or go
to class every day feeling a little, uh, "light-headed,"
we'll carefully say, should take the test in that same
state of mind. The State Dependence proponents
really say this. But hey, even if this doesn't work, at
least you'll have an excuse for bombing that one test.
(Though that excuse obviously wouldn't cut it with
your parents, only with yourself.)
Finally, speaking of Ritalin, IT WORKS. Enough
said. Take it when you are both studying and taking
the test the next day—that is, of course, only if you
have a prescription. Eh hem.
The Dreaded Monster:
Test Day
It is here. You can no longer escape it. You can no
longer procrastinate. And you can no longer hide from
its loathsome face. . those twisted, snarled, pus-
oozing fangs. those bleary, bloody, sallow yellow
eyes. that blistered, bloated, and waited slithering
tongue. Oh God, it's terrible. it's horrid. it's.
it's. the Test. The test that you're not nearly ready
for, to be more specific. Yes, that very same test that
only last night seemed so far away, so distant, so not
very imposing. But now it's here. It's really here.
The sun is shining brightly. Your brain doesn't feel
like it's going to be alive anytime before lunch. Your
oft forgotten hatred of "morning people" is renewed
as you gaze at the freaks jogging in the freezing morn-
24
The Cheater's Handbook 25
ing air on your way to school. And worst of all. the
material is impossible. You barely know any of it.
No, wait. The true worst of all is that it's not even
that hard, really. No, it's not that hard at all, actually-
You just ran out of time to learn it. "Oh if I'd only
stayed on top of things this semester!" you scold your-
self. "If I had just gone to every class, paid attention,
and done the damn ten minutes of homework every
night, I wouldn't have to study or even cheat at all! I'd
get straight As!" You go through this same fruitless rit-
ual every time, don't you? Yes, you do. We all do.
We all invariably come to this point countless
times during our academic career, but kicking our-
selves isn't going to get us more points on the test-
only cheating is. That's right, the test is only a short
while away, so it's time to stop torturing yourself with
"What could have been." Such nonsense is completely
useless and irrelevant at this point. You must turn
your thoughts now to "What can I do to keep from
failing this freakin' thing?"
Well, basically, there are two paths you can take.
No, not To Cheat or Not To Cheat. When you're just
about completely screwed an hour to go before the
test, cheating is unavoidable. The true question is.
TO GO OR NOT TO GO
Yes, that is the question. Whether 'tis nobler in the
mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrag.eous
26 Bob Corbett
test problems, or to take arms against a sea of trou-
bles, and by staying home, end them. and by a sleep
to say we end the heartache. To sleep, perchance to
dream—aye, there's the rub, for in that sleep what
dreams may come of having to take the test the very
next day anyway? Okay, we know, enough. For those
of you who didn't have a barfbag handy, sorry about
that. Couldn't resist.
What we're talking about here is the frequent
dilemma on test day of whether to go to school and
just get the test over with or to stay home, claim sick-
ness, and take it some time in the near future.
OPTION 1: GETTING IT OVER WITH
As with any option, this one has pros and cons.
Pros
Exactly that—getting it over with and nipping your
anxiety in the bud. More importantly, though, taking
the test on test day enables you to cheat off the many
other students who are also taking it then. Refer to
the following couple of chapters, which are devoted
to what to do if you opt to take the test at its slated
date.
